Generations of families were taught in their high school years at the public schools of Joplin, Missouri by our dad, Sam Adams. At the same time our mom, Rita, taught generations at the second grade level in the Catholic School system.
I’ve always been a big fan of teachers because of my parents. Does the average teacher cure rare diseases? Do most teachers invent a valuable object that would change lives? Do they win Oscars or Grammys or Pulitzer Prizes? Most likely, the answers would be No. No. And No. But without teachers, there would be no foundation or developmental phases for the people who go on to cure, invent, or make entertainment history.
Our parents’ bodies now rest under the ground in a tiny, but charming cemetery in Carterville, MO — but their spirits, legacies, and generosity live on in the accomplishments of their students. (And they live on in immeasurable ways through me and my sister Jules.)
At both of their funerals, countless people filled our hearts and ears with stories of how “Coach” changed their life or how attending K-12 in the Catholic Schools, Mrs. Adams stood out as their favorite teacher.
It’s no secret that I prayed for my dad’s passing for years. My friends told me that my morbid wishes were a bit unsettling. But he was suffering and trapped in his broken body for well over a decade. He even had me researching states where euthanasia was legal before he moved into his nursing home. It was truly such a relief when he finally let go. My sister, mom, and I took great comfort knowing his body, mind, and soul had taken ultimate rest.
In his absence, my sister and I were dedicated to putting 100% of our energy and resources to caring for our mother. We settled in for what we hoped to be years of celebrations, trips to see relatives, vacations together, and intimate Mother/Daughter times.
My sister Jules shared our childhood home with mom, organizing medicine, doctors appointments, managing the money and household maintenance. She spent her days off and lunch hours getting all of this done while still managing to create a social calendar for them on the weekends.
Plays and concerts, nail appointments, church going, dinners out, and visits to see me in New York City! Jules had a full time job of responsibility caring for our mom on top of actually having a full time job as a veterinarian. It’s just remarkable — her organization, her sacrifice, and her ability to give our mom such a full life.
Taking photos from our FaceTime conversations was my passion: Learning to make fishy lips, mom showing me her muscles, being silly in her robe (that she sometimes wore out in public because she thought it was her coat,) and mom loving on her beloved dog, Tractor.
I was always the loosey-goosey daughter. Less organized, less responsible, the younger sibling with a free spirit and a very spontaneous way of living. With the help of technology I was able to play a part in my mother’s care even though I lived states away.
Mom and I shared daily spelling bees, Spanish vocabulary quizzes and math problems during our FaceTime calls. I had a schedule of phone alarms for her mealtimes in Missouri. We had songs and rituals for pill taking and getting her food down. I had an obsession with monitoring my mom’s every move on the Ring cameras my sister installed in the house. I called it Rita TV.
The cameras were for her safety and for us to always have our eyes on her. But I missed my mommy, and I often just ‘tuned in’ so I wouldn’t miss out on her sweetness with the animals and silliness with my sister. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that Rita TV has been taken off the air. Mom would have turned 81 this week on June 30th.
I was in India when my mother died. It was a scheduled 14 day trip and she unexpectedly died on day 7. I had FaceTimed with her every day of the trip up until then. Due to that same magical technology I was able to say goodbye to my mom before I scrambled to get 3 flights out of India and home to Missouri. I made it in just under 24 hours. Jules, a few family friends, and our priest were able to spend mom’s last hours with her. Even if I was in New York I would not have made it in time. I’ll forever be heart broken that I wasn’t with my sister to help our mom transition.
***Spoiler Alert if you have not watched the finale season of the HBOMax show Succession***
In the final season of Succession, the writers and directors had a special way they wanted to portray the passing of the patriarch Logan Roy.
This photo was taken about 30 minutes before I got the call that our mother was going to die. It is baffling that my face could be so cracked open with joy in this moment. And how quickly those cracks filled up with sadness.
Jesse Armstrong, the writer said, “No death scene — we wanted to capture a feeling of death that people experience in a modern era of separation of communication over phone and e-mail.”
About that episode, Alan Ruck, one of the actors said, “These things happen in all our lives and with our parents or anyone you love, anybody in your life and something happens and they’re just gone. And we’re not present for it. I think this episode’s going to provide an extraordinary impact.”
As an audience member who had gone through a very similar far away loss via telephone, I found this very poignant.
While I was in India, one of my travel mates told a funny little story about an Unscheduled Dismount while she was riding a horse. She knew she’d eventually be getting off the horse, but happened to be thrown off before she was ready. I loved the idea of those words together.
Though we’re skilled and prepared for something, life has its own agenda. We don’t have control. I immediately typed the words Unscheduled Dismount into my phone and thought I’d someday write a blog about expecting the unexpected.
I never dreamed that I’d find personal meaning to those words in just a few short days.
Sigh.
My grief is large. The days are long. The desire to call, see, and be with my Little Rita takes over on many days and nights. I am forced to accept her absence and the unmothered world that my sister and I live in now.
When you lose someone suddenly, like the way our mom was taken, it’s easy to feel angry, to feel aggrieved, to feel wronged. But through all of those notsogreat feelings, there’s one that bubbles up and has helped the most in my healing. I feel gratitude that I got to to be her kid for as long as I did.
When people ask how I became a cook, I always say I’m a good cook because my mother wasn’t a good cook unless it was Mexican food. She didn’t have time, she claimed to not enjoy it, and when we were kids she was always on a diet. Mom had a few staple recipes and always pulled out the stops when we had company in from out of town, but the weekly cooking was not her thing at all. Out of necessity, my sister, dad, and I all took on the responsibilities in the kitchen. So I owe my whole career to Little Rita. Thanks mom!
This is a perfect recipe for someone like my mom who doesn’t have a lot of time, skill, or desire to cook. I call this a grocery store dish because it’s really just a shopping list of ingredients and then stacking them all together. It’s tasty, familiar, kid friendly, and can handle substitutions and add-ins. Very little cookery, freezes well, reheats well.
Mexican Lasagna
I also do a version of this in a pie crust and call it Taco Pie.
Ingredients:
Corn Tortillas
Refried Pinto Beans - or use drained and rinsed canned black beans
Grated Cheese
Ground Beef (or turkey, chicken, non beef crumbles, etc)
Taco Seasoning
Salsa (a jar of your favorite or homemade)
Frozen Roasted Corn (or grill your own and cut off the cob)
Cilantro
Scallions
Hot Sauce
In a skillet on the stove, brown the meat and mix in the taco seasoning. Set aside. In a small saucepan, warm the refried beans to soften them so they’ll spread easily. You can also add a bit of salsa or taco seasoning to them for more flavor if you’d like.
Now you can start the layers just like a lasagna. Tortillas are the noodles, beans, meat, and corn are the ricotta layers, salsa is the marinara, cheese is the… well, cheese. You get the idea, right? Prepare a casserole dish with nonstick spray, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. I start with a layer of tortillas to cover the bottom of the dish, then beans, salsa, cheese.
Another layer of tortillas, then meat, salsa, cheese.
If you have room in your dish, make more layers, but if you’ve reached the top, add a layer of corn and top with more cheese. Bake in the oven for 35 minutes until bubbly. Remove from the oven and let stand for about 5-7 minutes before you slice. Garnish with cilantro, scallions and serve with hot sauce.
You can also add in layers of chopped red onion, fresh tomatoes, minced jalapeño or omit the meat and do a layer of sautéed zucchini and potatoes mixed with taco seasoning. Add what you know your family will like. It’ll turn out great!
